Own enemy

I am my own enemy... I am my own friend I close the circle... I turn off the sound Four years — my soul is blacker than the black sea I forgot how to love — forgot how to grieve For those who fell on the battlefield Boys left into the dawn — lighting up a star I looked into their eyes — held their hands — and lied That we'd come back alive I didn't shed a tear — not a moan — not a sigh In my chest instead of a heart — a piece of scrap metal I became hard — like bread in the frost There are no feelings in me — only numbers and poses But why then — in the silence of home Do I hear their voices — I hear their hot Whisper: "Live, brother, live" Save yourself — for us Not worthy of love? So what — I don't believe in words I only know how to fall — covering my eyes with my hands I don't know what it means to love — I forgot the alphabet But when mother told me about father — I howled like a jackal In the morning emptiness This pain doesn't go away — it's sewn under my ribs! I didn't cry over those who fell bloody into the snowdrifts! I cried over the one who raised me for so long! So my heart is alive — even though I'm broken! So my heart is alive! They say: "You're a warrior — take the hit" But a warrior — is he a robot? No A warrior is first of all a human, brother It's memory that burns inside like acid And a prayer without lips: "God — just give me strength" I don't know what love is — is it pain? Is it light? It's a phrase that hasn't been in the trench for a long time I looked for it in letters — in warm words — in the crosshair But love is a mother who waits for you forever at home And when the news came that father was no more Something inside me cracked — the sun burst I didn't understand — how to live if the roots were cut? I sobbed like a child — don't judge me For the first time in years I felt bitterness — grief — and longing For the first time I understood — I loved him more Than I ever showed Not worthy of love? So what — I don't believe in words I only know how to fall — covering my eyes with my hands I don't know what it means to love — I forgot the alphabet But when mother told me about father — I howled like a jackal In the morning emptiness This pain doesn't go away — it's sewn under my ribs! I didn't cry over those who fell bloody into the snowdrifts! I cried over the one who raised me for so long! So my heart is alive — even though I'm broken! So my heart is alive! I am my own enemy... I am my own friend Who am I now? A shadow in the wind But if I cry — at least once in four years Where there is no sky — where instead of God There is a dangerous road Mom, forgive me — I've become icy I wanted so much to be alive! I am worthy of love! It just so happened! That my heart is a minefield — where it's become! So quiet — you can hear the snow falling! But I survived, brother! I went through this delirium! I carry them inside me like icons! And my father's command — it's sewn into the cartridges! I'm not stone — I'm steel — but even steel melts! When you know that home — your place is being kept! Without you... But I'll hold on — I'll tear my throat out! This pain doesn't go away — it's sewn under my ribs! I didn't cry over those who fell bloody into the snowdrifts! I cried over the one who raised me for so long! So my heart is alive — even though I'm broken! So my heart is alive! God — give me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And wisdom to know the difference Amen