Rock Bottom E

They call me a good person. You wanna bet? Yeah, I bet you would love That. I remember having no gas in the flat 'cause I gambled all my cash putting bet slips Before my mum's rent. That's just trash and that's exactly what I am. They tell me I'm not but really they don't Give a damn. I just curl up in a Ball and cry until I can't no more but These tears won't stop so I cry to the Lord for His anointing only need one drop but The only thing drops is my morality. I can't get rid of this demon because it's A part of me and I'm a part of It. I love my sin and I don't wanna Let go of it. I know you're probably thinking I'm a hypocrite but I'll justify that right now And admit to it. Everyone, I'm a huge sinner. There, did that make you feel any better now That I've told you? And I remember the times I would pick you up and I would hold You but now that I'm down I got no One to go to. You don't care, you just Want to know my problem then you got the Cheek to ask why I'm on one but you're The reason that I'm on one. Can't you see that you're the problem? I've been stuck in this flat for weeks all On my own and not one person has tried To get through to me on my phone. All this depression and anxiety cause an aching Pains in my bones like I've been a few Rounds with Jon Jones. I don't wanna move and this mood right now I don't want to improve 'cause I'm so stressed About life. I'm twenty-four, no job, No car, no wife. They say you're at lowest when you hit rock Bottom but I've never hit rock bottom 'cause I've Always been at rock bottom but I see my Problem every time I stare in the mirror. I get women calling me handsome but I'm just A horror. Deep inside I'm terrified of these Nightmares. Ever since I was a baby I've been Having these night scares. I got too many scars on my brain. If I put a bullet in my head then I'll have a peace of mind 'cause I can't Deal with the pain. My dad was insane so It's probably in my genes. I have a lack of motivation 'cause I've always Had crushed dreams and lately I've been smoking on This old school cheese hoping all these dark Thoughts will ease but only numbs the pain. When I come back to reality my emotions are Still the same. I'm pathetic so I hang my Head in shame. My life would change if I Just give God five minutes a day. Why don't I pray? But I'm the prey being Eaten up by this predator. Lord, I hope you read this letter 'cause all These years later and I don't feel any better, It's just getting worse. One way to explain it Is that my life is one big rehearse never Ending, just a fake Christian pretending and some Days I wish I was never born but looking Back at my life I can see how You Had Your hand on me since being a newborn Putting my heart back together every time that it Gets torn and just like Paul I got a Thorn and when I feel cold and empty You Make me feel warm wrapping me in Your robes Of righteousness. We was made in Your image and Likeness in Your love and in Your forgiveness but My heart there's only hatred and unforgiveness. I seen things as a kid that made my Head go fry and it's not a day goes By when I think about getting ran over and That's why then I die. I cried in the X-ray room telling the nurses I wish I died and ever since I haven't Been the same but I got myself to blame When I'm self-inflicting this pain with these dark Thoughts in my brain. I'm dyslexic so it's hard for me to express. No stress got me not eating, borderline anorexic. Loneliness got me isolating. All this pain got me self-medicating