Be Like Me

I make $10,000 every time I speak. Women want my number and men want my physique. If being this attractive and successful is a crime, Put my wrists in sexy handcuffs 'cause I'd better Do the time. When a stranger asks for money, I remind them To excel. Then I buy another Mustang 'cause my Old one lost the smell. And if I'm feeling guilty while my shoes are Being shined, I do mushrooms and a cold plunge, And then I'm feeling fine. If you work hard and believe enough, there's nothing You can't do. So basically it's your fault you've Ended up like you. Be like me. Live your own American dream. I'm the person you wanna be, can't you see? Everyone can be like me. You have a bunch of privilege. Life's hard for the rest of us. But privilege is available to anyone willing to Seize it. I don't think that's true. My family rose from nothing when we sailed across The waves, except a couple acres and some money And some slaves. Now my cars are fabulous. Now my wallet's fat. I pulled my bootstraps up so much they're basically A hat. My daughter is just like me, So she can never fail. She's gonna go to Harvard, or worst case, Go to Yale. She'll carry on my legacy as Top of every class. She's going through her liberal phase, but it's Bound to pass. If she works hard and believes Enough, there's nothing she can't do. So basically it's your fault that you've ended up Like you. Be like me. Literally turn into me, Or else you'll have to settle for being yourself. Everyone can be like me. You're wrong. I have to do this. Dear God, I wish Everyone could be like me. Ron Barkley, it is I, God. What? I place in your hands a gun, A magical gun that makes people think like you. Before you use it, allow me to explain how It w-No time. Sorry, God. Oh, What happened? Silas? I don't know what I was thinking. I do want a life like yours. You do? Of course. I back the blue, vote red, and love being White. I'm a conservative. Hold on, I wanna test something. Hey, what'd you do to me? It's like you brainwashed me. I'm not a conservative. What the hell? What the hell am I doing With my life? I need a nine-to-five, A homemaking wife, and a very loud relationship with Christian God. I'm like you. I wished everyone could be like me, And now everyone can be like me. So I want everyone to vote like me, Then gloat like me, strut like me, Haircut like me, 'cause then they'd see a way To be More free And happy. And now everyone can be like Me.